News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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