If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
