I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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