Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
