I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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