when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
