He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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