captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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