Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
