I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
