Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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