I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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