I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
