so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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