just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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