I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
