when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
