he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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