I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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