I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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