Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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