Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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