I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
