sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
