If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
