Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
