i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
