Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
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I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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