Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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