You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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