You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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