My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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