I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
