I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
