You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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