I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital