So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
