He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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