end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
