I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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