My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
