Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
