like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
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you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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