When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
