when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
