I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
