It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
