Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
