Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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