We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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