Don't make out with my wife yet
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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