11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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