smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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