So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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