I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize