The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
